Month: February 2017

Freudian Slips & Prodigals

A Freudian slip is a slip of the tongue thought by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud to reveal either subconscious or unconscious thoughts, desires, and/or emotions.

While I appreciate Freud bringing to light this phenomenon, I know he doesn’t quite go far enough spiritually to accurately explain where those thoughts can originate.

During our separation, I can remember 2 separate occasions where my husband verbalized thoughts that were completely opposite to his course of action in leaving me and pursuing another woman.

1) As I’ve mentioned before, we desperately wanted kids after struggling with 10 years of infertility. I shared with him what my doctor had said regarding best times to conceive. Now keep in mind he has already moved out and stated before this that he doesn’t want kids with me. He flippantly tells me to let him know those days and he can come “visit!” I know I give him that blank I-can’t-believe-what-you-just-said look. I’m sure I say something like, “I don’t understand…” He then gives a look like he couldn’t believe what he just said either, shakes his head, and says, “nevermind.” In that moment I felt so much confusion and hurt and I didn’t know what to make of it. And in reality, neither did he.

2)  My husband was staying at a school for training instead of going offshore one week during our separation; so he was on land. He agreed to let me meet him for dinner. So I drive the long distance and meet him for an awkward dinner. As we are about to go our separate ways, he says, “Why don’t you follow me and let me show you where the training center is in case you ever need to know how to get here?” I think he realizes what he just said as I give him the same face as before and ask, “Why would I need to know how to get here when you are leaving me?” It was a statement regarding a future with us together and it thoroughly confused me and I told him so. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know.”

But I did know. It was God giving me a glimpse of the other side of the mountain. He wasn’t leaving my husband alone to only envision a future with another woman. He was keeping our future together in his thoughts and mind. He couldn’t understand why, try as he might, he couldn’t just let me go. I had God fighting my battles for me!!! Praise the Lord!! And He goes before you too to fight for you as well. Don’t give up on your spouse. Don’t give up on your dead covenant marriage. God is working behind the scenes to restore all that has been broken and abandoned! 😊 I know your spouse may be confusing at times and it’s painful, but nothing is impossible with God!!

Joel 2:25-27 (KJV) And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten… And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I [am] in the midst of Israel, and [that] I [am] the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.

63 Years…

Tonight I went to say goodbye to my Pawpaw who’s in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. I also went to check on my Grandmother who has been married to him since she was 14 years old. He is all she’s ever known. In 63 years of marriage, they went from poverty to building a very lucrative business, having 6 children together, which produced 16 grandchildren and a still-growing number of great grandchildren! It wasn’t a perfect marriage by anyone’s standards, but it was a lasting one. 

I was thankful to see she seems to be prepared for the inevitable. I know she and the rest of the family gathered in that tiny hospital room are too busy grieving right now to notice, but it was truly a special moment. Here this man was surrounded by his family who were each retelling various memories they had of his impact in their lives. The weight of his final time here on earth was palpable, but it was balanced by the happy memories and the joy shared with each other in the family he helped create. 

As I was leaving, I stood by my Pawpaw and Grandmother together one last time. I looked at them and said, “Sixty-three years is a long time to be with someone.” Grandmother simply paused and replied, “Yes, but it’s a short time also…”

That answer impacted me to the core. I drove home thinking about how few, nowadays, are privileged to experience that same sentiment. I told the Lord that I wanted to be a part of that select few. My grandfather had some major faults, as does my grandmother. However, they stayed together through it all to reach the point where she is faithfully beside him during his final moments. On either side, I want that to be me. I want loved ones surrounding me faithfully when I’m at my worst and I want to be the faithful party standing beside those in their worst moments…

God, in Your infinite grace make it so…