Month: July 2019

My part in the breakdown of my marriage…

I was sharing with someone the other day how I gladly share our story to people, yet I’m still careful who I share with, because I don’t want anyone to look down on or think badly of my husband. It can be so easy to blame him for infidelity, yet I pointed out to this person that my sins of anger, control, manipulation, and disrespect toward my husband for the 10 years of marriage before he left, was no less evil in the sight of God.

Honestly, I believe that’s God’s first step in marriage restoration: revealing our equal part in the breakdown of our marriages. So many want to blame their spouse for all the sins and injustices done to them in the marriage, yet it’s God’s grace and mercy that reveals OUR sins to us. Think about it. Isn’t it better for God to reveal our sins to us here on earth so we can repent, rather than die in our sins only thinking of our spouse’s faults? I think so, and so I’m grateful for that night.

I remember it like yesterday. My husband had sent me a letter requesting a divorce and all his reasons for wanting it, while he was gone to work. I cried and was so sorry for the way he felt. But later that night God showed me my sins like scenes of our life together flashing before my eyes. I couldn’t look away, and I couldn’t blame anyone else. God was so clearly reminding me of all the things I had done wrong in my marriage to my husband. That night, I asked for forgiveness from God, but it would take much longer to receive forgiveness from my husband.

I don’t want anyone to ever think I’m some sort of saint for sticking with my husband after infidelity, because I know it was my sins that drove him to that point. Neither of us were right in the things we did to each other. But when we are able to see that, God can fill us with so much compassion for the other that healing can begin. No more bitterness. No more anger. Just compassion and mercy, because we know we need it too!

I pray this helps someone let God open their eyes so healing can begin for them too.

P.S. In the early days of restoration, my husband once told me something at a time I doubted his love for me, since I was suffering from low self esteem after he ended everything with the other woman. He said, “You know the verse: ‘He who’s forgiven much loves much?’ That’s how I feel about you.” I never doubted his love after that, because I knew exactly how he felt. And we still feel that way to this day.

A promise fulfilled

Wanted to share something with y’all that JW realized the other day.

While he was in the Far Country 7 years ago, I continually received God’s promise of double. I couldn’t understand why God kept whispering double when my husband had moved out, was seeking a divorce, and seeing another woman! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Then we get pregnant a month after He restores us and I think that’s the double…my husband plus a baby! Then we get pregnant with Ariel and I think that’s the double…2 parents have 2 kids! Only to get Annelise later to now have a quiver full which met more than my expectations. LOL! But in that time, we miscarried a couple of precious babies and experienced much heartache and loss. We didn’t want to try anymore. Finally, we found ourselves walking a dark journey with Ariel’s leukemia diagnosis, and we didn’t have time to think about anything. Yet, God used our distraction with her to sneak in one more baby…I will be honest, I wasn’t thrilled. I was barely hanging on as it was. We had just come out of the darkness her initial cancer diagnosis flung us in, and I was so fearful the whole first 3 months of pregnancy that I would lose another like I had the last one (carried 3 months then lost unexpectedly). I couldn’t be happy. All I did was take a day at a time with the pregnancy and Ariel.

But God in His mercy slowly reminded me to “rejoice.” That will forever be a precious word to me. In 2012, when JW had said he would come back home, but slowly began retreating from that decision, God told me to “rejoice.” So I stood on what the Holy Spirit spoke, and not the words my husband said. Guess who turned out to be right? 😁

So, God, if You tell me to rejoice again, I’ll believe You and not what all my fears say. Now, here we are 35.5 weeks pregnant, expecting a newborn baby in August 2019. And that’s what JW realized: August 8, 2012 was when God restored our marriage…this baby is coming 7 years almost exactly to that date! Isn’t that just like God to fulfill His promise of double in 7 years which represents “God’s completion and perfection?” From two messed up imperfect people, God has brought forth four children who are continually trained in the truth of God’s power and great love for His people. Our kids know our story, they know God restores and heals. Through Ariel’s story, they also know God provides and protects. We may not understand His plans, but we teach our kids to believe He has them and they’re for our good.

For a final tidbit, I’ll share the story behind the new baby’s name. Many times we wanted to use the name Isaac for a boy, but we either had little girls or loss. This time, when we found out it was another boy, neither of us had the heart to use the name Isaac. We knew Isaac meant laughter, and that just wasn’t where we were with everything that’s happened in the past year. After God started telling me to rejoice again, I began to look up names that meant rejoice…only to discover the exact wording of what Isaac means: “I will laugh/I will rejoice!” I couldn’t believe it. But what I loved the most was that it was a name of future promise…”I WILL…” God was telling me that better days were coming! And that is what I cling to Every. Single. Day.