Painful Memories

I hurt. The load I’m carrying is crushing. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m exhausted. I don’t sleep well. I want to turn back time to before my baby girl got sick. I flip through the pictures on my phone, right before her diagnosis and I long so much to be back in that place where we didn’t know. A time when we were happy. No doctors. No hospitals. No blood transfusions. No chemo. None of it. I finally had to change my home screen pic on my phone. It was a picture of all three of my beautiful children the same day the first symptom occurred. I’ve always been so proud of my kids…so grateful, but that pic just caused me pain every time I opened my phone. Finally, my husband found a lovely picture of a 200 year old wisteria tree with purple everywhere. I changed the background, and that picture has brought relief.

Having to change my phone background reminded me of something similar I experienced during my marriage crisis. I loved my husband. I wanted him back home so bad, but every picture of us together only brought pain and questions. “Why did he leave?” “Weren’t we happy?” “What went wrong?” It was driving me crazy. Finally, I went through the whole house turning over pictures of us. I remember the relief it brought. I was still standing for my marriage, just without the constant jabs of pain.

Now, just like then, I believe in God’s promises that everything will be alright. One day, we will have happy days and smiling pictures again. These dark days will not last forever. But for now, I’ll turn the pictures over and cause a little less pain. Just wish I could switch off all the pain and sadness. Unfortunately, that’s what makes us more like Jesus.

Ecclesiastes 7:3 (NKJV)

Sorrow [is] better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.

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