John 21:21-22 (NKJV) 21 Peter, seeing him, said to Jesus, “But Lord, what about this man?” 22 Jesus said to him, “If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me.”

So many standers question whether they should just let their spouses walk over them. “Am I just to allow him to lie to me?” “Do I just let her keep cheating on me?” “God how are they getting away with all they are doing to me?!”Hear Jesus say, “What is it to you? You follow me.” No matter your circumstances. No matter the situation. No matter how things appear, you are responsible for YOUR behavior, YOUR attitude, YOUR responses. Imitate Jesus. Follow Him and give up the fight of concerning yourself with what others are doing.

1 Corinthians 13:5 (BBE) 5 Love’s ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil;

When you discover your spouse has been unfaithful, it devastates you. Some resort to anger and vengeance. Others become bitter. Then there are a few who choose to forgive the adultery and continue the marriage. Regardless of how a person reacts, it all stems from the pain of betrayal, rejection, and something lost. That something is the purity of the marriage bed. When you get married, your hopes and dreams are focused on your spouse. The intimacy you share is for the two of you alone and none other. That trust has been broken. Upon that realization, a mourning process begins. The journey of healing is hard, but it is possible with Christ. Understand that you need time to grieve what’s been lost. Accept that you can never get that purity back again, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. Finally have hope to know you can have an even better and stronger marriage after such a devastating blow, if you give it to Jesus. Begin picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, then give them to Jesus. He really can mend it better than it was before. He did it for me. Let Him do it for you.

Q: What are your thoughts on people’s (even pastors and Christian friends) advice about how our spouses need to feel like they are losing us in order for them to come to their senses? That they don’t come back because they can have us whenever they want. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about and it kinda makes sense. My (ex) husband knows I’m standing and praying for our marriage so he knows he can come home whenever he wants. He knows I’ll always be there regardless of what he says or does. It’s confusing to me.

Ex-Prodigal A: As a former prodigal, I wanted to respond to the question about making your prodigal feel the loss of you while living in the far country. When I was in the far country, I was far in the enemy’s camp and very deceived. I thought that the OW was a blessing, everything I had ever wanted, but I also wanted to do the right thing. Even my family thought I was doing what was best. However, what I couldn’t get past was that through all of this, suddenly my wife was the only one I could see Christ in. There was hurt, but no hate. There was nothing but love and forgiveness and open arms that wanted to receive me back and forgive me. The night that I came home and stayed home, I didn’t intend to stay. What made me stay? I saw Christ in my wife like I had never seen it in anyone else in my whole life. The Holy Spirit had given her a word to give me about when Jesus reached out and pulled Peter up as he was sinking in the water. As she told me this she reached out and locked arms with me as a demonstration of what she was talking about. At that moment, there was no doubt that it was Christ reaching out pulling me up to my feet and out of the enemy’s camp. If I can encourage you to do anything, follow the example of my wife. She cried, she fasted, she repented, she prayed day and night until God moved on the other side of the mountain.

Stander’s A: This makes me sound like a saint. I WASN’T! It really was Jesus through me. I have to admit also, that night My husband came home was a “date night” he’d agreed to come to. I never “closed up shop,” because God showed me I was to be his wife no matter what. I struggled with that knowing he was seeing another woman, but I obeyed. I questioned the same thing during my stand. I too, believed God was telling me to be 100% a wife to my husband even though I knew he was committing adultery. I believe God will protect us when we are obedient to Him. I know Rejoice Ministries advocates remaining intimate with your prodigals. I highly recommend their “Sex & the Stander” CD. However, I know Covenant Keepers does not advocate it. It’s really what you believe God is telling you. I will say this though, my husband has said before that shutting down intimacy between us would’ve been another wall between us. I guess, looking back, it’s a physical form of forgiveness. It’s still hard though…

Q: How did you spend your time while he was away?

A: I cried. Prayed all the time. I began to journal everything I felt and prayed and read in God’s word. Some days I writhed on the floor from the pain. Other days I was numb. I did housework when I was so beside myself I didn’t know what to do. I played Christian & praise music. I went to church. I filled my days with God, because He was all I had left. That sounds so super spiritual, but it wasn’t. I was just a desperate woman. I remember I would wring my hands wondering what I should do. I heard, “When you don’t know what to do, do what you can.” So I would wash dishes, clean the house, work on laundry. Right before his divorce request, I had just quit my job to come home and start a family, so I really was at a loss of what to do and quite isolated.

Q: How do I keep standing when my spouse has married the other person/had a non-covenant child with the other person? People tell me I’m free then.

A: The Holy Spirit told me during my stand that “Circumstances DO NOT change what God requires of me!” That changed my perspective forever. I knew then that no matter what My husband did or didn’t do wasn’t gonna release me from my stand. God had given me the assignment to forgive him, pray for him, and wait for him to come home. I didn’t know how long that would be, but it didn’t matter (even time can be a circumstance)! We must understand that God sees the eternal. He’s not concerned with this fleeting temporary junk. He doesn’t care about a man’s law that says your spouse is married to another. God acknowledges covenants only. That’s why Charlyne simply calls it legalizing their adultery, and it doesn’t change the fact our spouses NEED us to continue standing in the gap for them. It means we must do so even more!!! Your spouse having a non-covenant child doesn’t change what God requires of you either. Those are just limitations your hurting flesh wants to heap on God, when His word tells us there is NOTHING impossible with God! Finally, why are you listening to “people?” “People” will lead you in the opposite direction of God’s truth, even well-meaning ones who don’t wanna see you suffer. God’s word says that tribulation and testing produces all kinds of good things. If you truly want all those good things, then stop listening to people and obey God and His word. Period.

In 2012 when my marriage fell apart, God showed me that my husband had been taken captive by Satan, our true enemy. God opened my eyes to show me that the spiritual world was so much more real than the physical world we live in! We cannot be deceived to the fact that there are spiritual forces of darkness fighting against us and for our souls. 

When God saves us, He cleans out the sin and evil, some instantly and others over time. We want God as the authority in our hearts and our minds, but we also need Him as authority in our homes. This means cleaning it out as well, and we cannot be deceived to the spiritual authority powers of darkness might have over things in our homes. 

I want to share two videos by a guy who came out of new age/occult practice and became a born again Christian. Watch his testimony first to be blessed and then his informational video about things you may have in your homes that could open doors to allow darkness a foothold over you, your family, and/or your home. 

Steven’s Testimony: https://youtu.be/cMu5F2icsT8

Important Information: https://youtu.be/fC6TVczb8Uc

Here’s a great article by Covenant Keepers, Inc. 

coun·ter·feit /koun(t)ərˌfit/

adjective – made in exact imitation of something valuable or important with the intention to deceive or defraud; fake

noun – a fraudulent imitation of something else; fake.

synonyms – mock, inauthentic, phony, forged, pseudo, imitative

Is your spouse in a relationship with a counterfeit? The “other person” can be one of the most difficult aspects of standing for your marriage, but make no mistake, a counterfeit is never a satisfactory replacement for the real deal – YOU. Your spouse is deceived, and deception is a tool of the enemy. That same enemy (Satan, not the other person) is hoping you, too, will be deceived so you will give up on your covenant spouse. His plan is to steal God’s glory and destroy God’s plan for you, your spouse and family (John 10:10).

People who unknowingly purchase fake replica Rolex watches or designer handbags are disappointed when the items stop working or fall apart. They’re embarrassed and angry when they compare their mockup with the real thing and realize they’ve been deceived.

A counterfeit cannot live up to God’s standards for loving partnership, because he or she is in sin by being with your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13, the “Love Chapter,” is probably the most quoted scripture at weddings. Sadly, most of us don’t truly comprehend the depth of its message until love has dissipated.

“Love is patient and kind.” (v. 4a) Is the other person patient as your divorce drags on for months? Is he or she patient and kind about the time your spouse spends at your house picking up and dropping off the children or attending school programs and activities? Do you think that person would wait patiently, trusting God, for the amount of time you have been standing faithfully for your beloved to return home?

“Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (v. 4b) Do you seriously think the other person never envies the relationship between you and your husband or wife? Counterfeits know they will never be able to match the years, the children, the vacations, the family history, and everything else you shared. As counterfeits, they must convince themselves that they are superior to you, which leads to envy, pride and boasting. These are traits even a prodigal will begin to resent, especially if your prodigal knows you are remaining faithful and loving, in spite of their infidelity.

“It (Love) does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (v.5) Counterfeits will likely resort to putting you down to your spouse and others, as an attempt to build themselves up. Even if your spouse has shared negative things about you, true or not, it will hurt your husband or wife to hear the other person putting you down. This is particularly true if you have demonstrated over time that Christ has changed you. The other person will not have the qualities of a godly spouse because he or she is not living in accordance with the will of God. Even if the counterfeit is a deceived Christian, he or she is quenching the Holy Spirit by living in disobedience and will not possess the fruit of the Spirit. (Ephesians 4:17-31) As you exhibit love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, your spouse will see the contrast and will desire a peaceful life of true love with his or her one-flesh, covenant spouse.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (v.6) The counterfeit may believe he or she is happy doing evil, but God’s word tells us sin has a cost. His truth about the marriage covenant will stand. When we choose our own way rather than God’s, we are wanting to be God. Isn’t that why Satan was cast out of heaven? Isn’t that what Eve decided to do in the garden of Eden? Things did not go well for them, and they will not go well for a prodigal who is involved with someone else. What they are doing is evil, and it is certainly not love!

“It (Love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (v.7) As standers, we know God’s truth, and as we grow in our love and desire for Him, our spouses will see us protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering. Our husbands and wives will be amazed. And though it may take longer than we like, remember that we are the real deal, not a fake imitation that in time will fail and fall apart!

Here’s the link to access their website. 

Here’s the famous Aesop fable:

The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

“We shall have a contest,” said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

“As a test of strength,” said the Sun, “Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man.”

“It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat,” bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat.

Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.

The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.

Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

“How did you do that?” said the Wind.

“It was easy,” said the Sun, “I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been thinking about this fable lately. We’ve been tested with a lot of things in a short period of time. So much has gone wrong it’s almost unbelievable! However, I feel like the traveler in this story. No matter how hard the wind blows, I will not do what he wants. I will dig my heals in and hold my coat tighter! 

We will cling to God’s word and His promises. We will trust that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. He is our provider. And, no matter what, He is sovereign and in control. He is God!

In His time, the sun will come out and touch us with His warmth. Amen. 

Luke 8:17 (NKJV) 17 “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.

God can tell you whatever you need to know. Conversely, He can keep stuff from you, you need not know. When my husband was in the far country, I didn’t know there was another woman involved. He told me there wasn’t and I believed him. All his friends knew, but no one said anything to me. Now we know that’s because I wasn’t ready for that information. It would’ve hardened my heart, and God was trying to soften me. I’m so thankful for His mercy!

The first indication of another woman I had was a dream I now know the Lord gave me. It upset me so much, I woke up searching our cell phone statements looking for any calls or texts to unknown numbers. Do you know they were there, but I couldn’t find them! I wasn’t ready for the truth yet. God was preparing me. I remember later the Lord asking me if I would stand if another woman came along. I thought He meant down the road in the future, but I searched my heart and decided I would. Once that was established, the Lord saw fit to let My husband reveal the truth to me. He was astounded at my serenity and especially at the love and compassion I demonstrated to him. I explained that the Lord had been revealing the truth to me and that I would still stand and wait for him. Isn’t God great? That wasn’t me at all and my husband knew it! It was a great testimony to how God can change hearts.

Now let me fast forward to our restoration. My husband had moved back home and ended the relationship with the OW. He said he had stopped talking to her, but that wasn’t entirely true. Although their relationship was over, a brief communication took place. His feelings for her had changed and he felt like it would only hurt me to know about it. However, the Lord intervened again to reveal the truth. God showed us both that HE had power over truth. We needed to see that nothing can be hidden that God wanted revealed. That causes a lot of accountability if you think about it!

From that day on, he promised to always tell me the truth even if it hurt me. And after watching God protect me multiple times, I trusted that.

We don’t have to mistrust others. We don’t need to accuse them. We don’t even need to be detectives searching for evidence against those who aren’t being honest. All we have to do is put our trust in God. He WILL reveal ALL that we need to know! If we take care of God’s business, He’ll take care of ours.

I recommend reading this article from No Greater Joy Ministries entitled, “The Jezebel Profile.” It’s very enlightening. 

http://nogreaterjoy.org/wordpress/f/200202_March-April.pdf

Looking for something in my old emails, I found this wise counsel that was given to me during my marriage crisis. It’s long, but I wanted to share it:

Wounds require time to heal and cannot be accomplished through a person’s efforts. If you try to reason with your mate before the wounds are healed, you will only get a reaction resulting in a stronger desire to end the marriage.

Remember: Prov. 18:19 – A brother (or mate) offended is harder to be won than a strong (walled) city: and their contentions are like to bars of a castle.

There are 3 ways to conquor a walled castle:

1. The first way is to charge over the wall resulting in a battle in which both couples are hurt.

2. The second way is to attack the castle, then wait resulting in couples never trusting each other due to our actions.

3. The third way is to be the virtuous woman/man, pray the prayer of the hedge of thorns, be patient and wait for an opening to occur in the wall.

An offended or wounded mate will ask, why is he or she being so nice now?

Is it because of guilt?

Because of obligation?

Because he or she wants something?

Because they are being nice because they were told to?

Wounded people will react negatively to any of these motives.

Our goal in restoration is to bind satan, pray the prayer of the hedge of thorns, and be patient.

Hosea 2:5-7 says: For their mother has played the harlot; she who conceived them has behaved shamefully. For she said, I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them; yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say, I will go and return to my first husband, for then it was better for me than now.”

Please read the results of a “hedge” in Job 1:10. In this case it was a hedge of protection.

Here is a sample of how we should pray the prayer for a hedge of thorns.

Heavenly Father,

First of all, I thank You for Your mercy that You have shown unto me and I humbly repent for my rebellion against You and my husband/wife. With all my heart, it is my desire to know and walk in Your ways. I know Your ways lead to life. Father, I need Your help. My husband/wife is wounded and is rejecting my efforts to restore our relationship. My Father, as You have given me instruction through Your Word, I bind satan from destroying our marriage. I dismiss his assignmnent to steal, to kill and destroy our relationship. I pray that a hedge of thorns be built around my husband/wife as Hosea gives instruction, so that anyone with wrong motives and influence will loose interest in him/her and leave. I base this prayer on Your Word which says, What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder. Thank You my Father for restoring his/her relationship with You and with me. In Jesus name I humbly ask. Amen.

Three things will begin to happen when you pray a hedge of thorns around your husband/wife.

1. He/She will become confused and lose direction. (…”I will hedge up thy way with thorns, and make a wall, that she shall not find her paths.”) Hosea 2:6

2. Any other lovers will lose interest and leave. (She (or he) shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but she shall not find them. ) Hosea 2:7a

3. Troubles will motivate him/her to return home. (Then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband, for then was it better with me than now.) Hosea 2:7b

Here are extremely important steps for spouses to show sincerity. 

1. Have a forgiving spirit. In other words, make forgivness your lifestyle. Let nothing said or done cause you to react in bitterness. People who are wounded are hurt and react when reached out to. Walk in forgivess for all he/she will say and do to you. He/she is testing your sincerity.

2. Yield your rights. Do not preach to him/her. True love is seen, not heard. During this time of healing the wound, you must yield your personal rights. Close your mouth if you cannot respond positively. We do not have to always be right. Let God have time to heal.

3. Make yourself available. Do your part to make the house a home. Make it inviting. Quietly show him that you are sincere. 

4. Be there for him/her during hard times. As you have been forgiven, so forgive. You will experience an opportunity to walk in a greater measure of Grace. His Grace is sufficient.

5. Don’t rush this process. Stay fervent in prayer, walking in humilty, alert to opportunities to minister grace to him/her.

A Freudian slip is a slip of the tongue thought by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud to reveal either subconscious or unconscious thoughts, desires, and/or emotions.

While I appreciate Freud bringing to light this phenomenon, I know he doesn’t quite go far enough spiritually to accurately explain where those thoughts can originate.

During our separation, I can remember 2 separate occasions where my husband verbalized thoughts that were completely opposite to his course of action in leaving me and pursuing another woman.

1) As I’ve mentioned before, we desperately wanted kids after struggling with 10 years of infertility. I shared with him what my doctor had said regarding best times to conceive. Now keep in mind he has already moved out and stated before this that he doesn’t want kids with me. He flippantly tells me to let him know those days and he can come “visit!” I know I give him that blank I-can’t-believe-what-you-just-said look. I’m sure I say something like, “I don’t understand…” He then gives a look like he couldn’t believe what he just said either, shakes his head, and says, “nevermind.” In that moment I felt so much confusion and hurt and I didn’t know what to make of it. And in reality, neither did he.

2)  My husband was staying at a school for training instead of going offshore one week during our separation; so he was on land. He agreed to let me meet him for dinner. So I drive the long distance and meet him for an awkward dinner. As we are about to go our separate ways, he says, “Why don’t you follow me and let me show you where the training center is in case you ever need to know how to get here?” I think he realizes what he just said as I give him the same face as before and ask, “Why would I need to know how to get here when you are leaving me?” It was a statement regarding a future with us together and it thoroughly confused me and I told him so. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know.”

But I did know. It was God giving me a glimpse of the other side of the mountain. He wasn’t leaving my husband alone to only envision a future with another woman. He was keeping our future together in his thoughts and mind. He couldn’t understand why, try as he might, he couldn’t just let me go. I had God fighting my battles for me!!! Praise the Lord!! And He goes before you too to fight for you as well. Don’t give up on your spouse. Don’t give up on your dead covenant marriage. God is working behind the scenes to restore all that has been broken and abandoned! 😊 I know your spouse may be confusing at times and it’s painful, but nothing is impossible with God!!

Joel 2:25-27 (KJV) And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten… And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I [am] in the midst of Israel, and [that] I [am] the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.